hoosier homegrown

i guess sometimes we're just not meant to be happy. i can't seem to find a reason for me to enjoy this situation at all. nothing i want is going to work out. either choice i make, i won't be happy. which leaves me with a great dilemma. i'm just so tired of trying right now. i'm so tired of trying to make everything i want to happen. i just really don't see the point anymore. each day it seems like a party of me is dying, and i'm running out of parts. i really don't know how much longer i can handle my life the way it is right now.

so i figured out that the worst part about working a 14 hour day, besides having the hydraulic house on the truck blowing out, me smashing the fuck out of my finger, and having trailers not work with the truck i have, is the fucking fact that i have to be back at work in less than 10 hours to do it all again.
i really hope i get the fuck out of here. this is really getting to be too much to handle.

i love friday night's when i'm coming home from the bar and its still light outside. ugh. i have to be at work by 6 tomorrow morning. i'm so fucking glad tomorrow's the last day before this bullshit job settles down. then i get to relax and go back to my 50 hour weeks. i miss my saturday's oh so much. and my trips to lafayette. at least i get my "vacation" next week. which means i'll probably be drunk for 5 days straight. or not. who knows, i've been thinking about stopping all the drinking. and smoking. well, the smoking's pretty much done, now its only when i drink, and when i drive to work in the morning. other than that, all is well. i still have no life, i missed one of my band's biggest shows, and i miss my girlfriend. but i will soon have a life, i will play more shows, and i will see my lovely girlfriend tomorrow for our anniversary, and then for 5 days on my "vacation".

it's about time things went my way.
thank you life.

i've come to the conclusion that my life is desperately lacking real human interaction. i spend all my time at work now. other than talking to erica for 15 minutes at night, i have no real other interaction with people. this is starting to drive me crazy. i have no real way to express myself to anyone. maybe its just the fact that i've been pulling 60 hour weeks lately. after next week that should be over, and i'll be back to a relaxing 50 hour week again. i just miss having my saturdays to do what i want. and its getting old having to miss out on shows because i have to work the next day, especially when i should be playing. l

i guess i might start using this thing again....
work hasn't been too bad. i've been stuck at the munster landfill park project. i've basically spent the past week and a half on a tractor, so i can't complain too much. i think we start building the walls tomorrow, or at least they do. i get to finish the hill project. other than that, i can't find the amp i want, i miss my darling terribly, and my nose feels like its on fire. but still for some reason, i feel happy. i need to find a school to go to, but other than that, i pretty much have things figured out.

well, its definately been a long week to say the least. my first week at work was everything i expected it to be, and more. as usual, i got sunburned the first day. but thanks to my stupid ass hardhat, my forhead was safe. i guess that's about the only thing that it protects. seriously, what's gonna fall on my head working on a landfill. other than that, it's been fun. there was a monsoon, i almost rolled the tractor down a hill about 13 times, and i've managed to hurt myself at least 8 times doing something stupid. other than that, i've spent far too much time away from my girl. it's funny how you don't know how much you really care until it's gone, and i suppose i found out that i really care. its a nice feeling. actually, it's a horrible feeling when she's gone, but now that i'm with here again, it's a great feeling.

it's been a little under a year since i've last done this. i find it somewhat odd, i can't tell if i just haven't had the time or if i've just lacked the urge to sit here and write about my life. maybe its the fact that almost every post i've ever made on here has been me bitching about how my life has been. i think i'm finally content. i'm done with school, i'm finally in a healthy relationship, and i'm in a band. those were the three things i wanted to happen, so now i guess i'm just coasting on that. maybe i'll try and start another band. or go to school somewhere else. i'm not really sure what i'm going to do, i just know life is going to be a hell of a lot easier now, and i'm happy for that. i'm looking forward to going home and just working, not having to worry about homework, worry about projects, worry about stupid house bullshit. it's actually going to be relaxing working 11 hour days again.

thanks world, it's about time you were nice to me.

and since when has there been spell check on fucking livejournal?? that's just retarded, i wish they had that for all those drunk posts i used to make.

does anybody even use livejournal anymore?

ps. i'm done drinking whiskey. it hurts.

i hate the smell of summer.

i am in need of an extremely powerful computer with capabilities in either 3dstudio max or autodesk viz, anybody know where i can find one?

damn. first all nighter of the semester. the best part is its something i didn't really have to do, i just couldn't sleep. thank god for a.d.d. medication. and between the buried and me. and this vault shit. without those three things i wouldn't have gotten through the night. but my project is coming along quite well, i feel wonderful for now, and i know i'll be awake and here for my exam. i also have mastered hearts.

so here's to grand prix week, only 4 projects and 2 exams. but at 11:30 that's all over with (with the exception of this project i'm still working on, but much further ahead than expected). so there's only one obvious solution, by noon, i will be drunk. or passed out. either way, i'm looking forward to it.

on a random note, i think this is the first time i've seen the sun come up in awhile. its a weird feeling, but not like the feeling that id on't have in my legs, its more of a whoa, haven't seen that in awhile feeling.

i'm gonna follow mike on the quote thing, only i don't remember the whole quote..."but do not despair". that lines been stuck in my head for awhile now, probably because i've only been listening to them. oh well, not like its a bad thing.

this is caption rogers, signing out.

hmmm. i'm not even sure where to start with this one. lately i've just had this odd obsession with life/death. it seems like every second i'm sitting there trying to figure out the point of life. this in turn, is usually leading me towards the conclusion of death. i just don't know how to look at it, i guess half the problem is being raised in a society which has no real values left. i just don't have anything to believe in, anything to stand up for. i can't imagine dying for anything. just throwing it away. all i have to pass down in genes, which in my opinion should not be given to anyone at the rate my mind just seems to be creating more problems for me. maybe religion? i've been debating that too in my thoughts, but i still can't even begin to try and fathom the fact of it, much less which religion would i even choose to believe in.i don't know if i'm trying to find meaning in it all, or if i'm just being curious and scared. either way, its really getting to the point where its just not healthy at all. i'm constantly having anxiety attacks, constantly on edge, and just can't seem to enjoy anything i do. i really want to know if this is normal or not. i can't seem to talk myself out of this trance. i realize that while sitting here worrying about it, i am just wasting my time here in which i could be enjoying things, but i still can't get over it. i'm just hoping venting will help me release some of this.

so yeah, spring break, and i'm sick as fuck. what a surprise. i saw it coming. at least for some reason my dad has prescription medicine that they don't prescribe anymore. that's clearing me up pretty good. i just wish i was healthy. so i didn't feel like shit. i'm coughing up green and purple shit again. how marvelous. oh well, i'll get over it eventually.

for future reference, school is a bitch.

that is all.

Your Candy Heart Says "Get Real"

You're a bit of a cynic when it comes to love. You don't lose your head, and hardly anyone penetrates your heart. Your ideal Valentine's Day date: is all about the person you're seeing (with no mentions of v-day!) Your flirting style: honest and even slightly sarcastic What turns you off: romantic expectations and "greeting card" holidays Why you're hot: you don't just play hard to get - you are hard to get

that's so true.

i miss my baby. and my friends. last night was awesome. and now i'm just like shit, i miss that. i miss being around the people i love. fuck.

	Dear Cupid, This year, I've had my ups and downs in the love department.
I learned that Crimsonxlove is damn kinky. I mean... KINKY. K-I-N-K-Y. Like you wouldn’t believe.. Longdarkblues and I found a key to the playboy mansion and crashed a party. I was going to get a tattoo of Crimsonxlove’s name but chickened out and got a puppy instead.
So as you can see it's been a hectic year. Can you please make Britishbulldogs hook up with me this Valentine's day? Sincerely, xblackxdreamsx
Take this Quiz at QuizUniverse.com
( or, take the 'clean' version at QuizGalaxy.com )

hahahhhhhha. bithchers. bars. dme . drunk. birhtday shiot. frienesd.friends. i spoeelled it right. hapy.

well, here's the year ending post. i know i'm a little early, but i'm bored out of my mind. so alot of shit has happened, i don't really even know where to start.
i suppose overall, it was decent. it had its ups and downs just like everything else. i still didn't start a band though, that just upsets me.

i guess if i have to take anything out of all this, its the fact that i need to take life seriously in order to be happy. i'm tired of dicking around and fucking things up for myself. everything that went wrong did for a reason. and that was that i didn't give a shit. i can be so apathetic about some of the most important things in my life sometimes, honestly, its disgusting. i need to actually work at things from now on, i need to push myself to be the best i can be. i need to do everything my dad's been telling me for the last 20 years, except now i actually believe that and want to do it.

so thanks to those of you who were there for me this year, i appreciate everything from everyone. and for those of you who weren't there, i hope you die.

i love her.